Myths of Divorce–and Truth You Can Use
What makes January stand out?
- Named after Roman god Janus—the two-faced god—January causes people to look backward into the past year and forward into the new.
- January is the coldest month of the year (in the northern hemisphere).
- All this contemplation and cold might combine to create the third distinction–more people file for divorce in January than any other month.
If you find yourself considering divorce, understanding the myths of divorce may be the most important step you take.
Myth 1—Divorce will make my life better
Many pursue divorce believing that leaving their spouse will cure all their problems. Conflicts have often grown so intense and pervasive, every challenge becomes attributed to the other spouse. People think, “If the other person goes—life gets better.” Their spouse has become the enemy.
Surprisingly, marriages don’t usually fall apart because of the other person. Rather, they crumble because of the way the couple deals with external issues.
Finances. Parenting. Competing careers.
When couples don’t learn how to work together to face challenges–their relationship collapses.
But, the challenges remain.
After divorce, financial issues still exist. Often made worse by splitting a stretched income between two households.
Parenting challenges still arise. Often made worse by differing household rules, schedules, and philosophies in the separate homes.
Balancing career and home-life still proves difficult. Often made worse because there is now no one to cover the gaps.
In healthy marriages, couples see the challenges they face as the enemy–not each other. They find ways to work together to defeat those challenges. And, strengthen their marriage.
But, others realize that their marriage truly is over. If you are in this boat, it might be time to divorce. But, don’t fall for the myth.
The end of your marriage won’t mean the end of challenge. Be sure to find support to make the rest of life work as well.
Myth 2—Divorce will even the score
Many believe divorce will offer a stage for them to air their grievances. And, for the judge to compensate them for years of hardship.
Quite frankly, divorce can’t do either. Judges know they can’t fix a lifetime of hurt. So, they focus on creating finality. They use set formulas to provide a predictable outcome—not a redress of personal hurt.
Even mediation can’t even the score. Mediation does offer a forum for each person to be heard. But mediation can’t make the past go away.
Mediation simply offers a vehicle for you to learn from the past. And, then to look forward to create a different life for your future.
So, if you’re thinking of divorce, focus on your future. Decide what you want for the next stage of your life and spend your time and energy on getting there.
Myth 3—We can both get all we want
Post-modernism cruelly promises it cannot deliver—that, in life, everyone wins.
Divorcing couples often fully believe that they can leave a debt-ridden marriage with financial security. For both.
They believe that they both can enjoy every holiday, every special moment, every bed-time tuck-in with the children.
They believe all friends will continue a deep relationship with both.
While you might not say any of these, the subconscious presumption of many people entering divorce is that there is a way to give both people everything they want.
Money is finite.
Time is finite.
Options for reshaping the future are finite.
In divorce, both people will have to give up something they desperately want.
The best divorce can offer is to take the highest priorities of you and your spouse and craft them into an agreement you can live with. Trading holidays. Making new traditions. Skyping on the nights your children are at their other home.
Marriage joins two people into a legal entity of one. Divorce merely severs the legal connection.
In the process:
- finances are divided,
- parenting powers and schedules are established, and
- a framework for moving forward created.
If you are struggling in your marriage and want help–please call 317-344-9740 or email info@TheResolutionCenterIndy.com. We can help you explore options for making your marriage work or finding a healthy path to divorce. More, we help you forge a path toward the life you want. We look forward to serving you.
Photo by: jessescrossroadscaf